Too Much

It is so hard to give scope to what I am and where I have been. The impact of these revelations is an unknown, and I was naïve to think that I had acclimatized already.

The world I knew is gone, and that is a very good thing. But the world I am in now is so foreign to my experiences to date, even though I am where I belong. But I arrive here without the experience of a life well lived behind me, no decades of well placed efforts, no well developed discipline to call on now. All is new, yes, but all is strange.

One of the ways that I know this is because everything familiar sounds different now. Words and ideas have a greater depth, a sense of another dimension of meaning that I had been missing before. There is more to be heard, more to be thought, more to be understood. And with these changes comes the realization that all that I have ever heard had more to offer me. I had more to offer to ideas, concepts, theories, everything. Listening to a particularly excellent talk show on the radio this morning, everything held my interest. And as I listened, the words travelled further to inner space that is bigger than before.

I have new-found filters too. What interests me really gets my attention. What doesn’t interest me, I give no attention to. These filters are immediate as well; I know in an instant what is relevant to me, and what is diluted mush. I don’t waste time pondering something that doesn’t immediately grab my attention.

Ceremony has given me a context of outer space, and orbits, planets, galaxies and interstellar travel. Much of what I think about now has a larger space to play in. And so I am thinking the same about myself. This “me” is trying to find an orbit, one that feels like home. At other times, it seems as if these interstellar bodies should be orbiting around me, playing catch, throwing ideas and knowledge back and forth like a favorite baseball.

To have choice is a basic human principle that is fought for by all. But to have this much choice is to feel disorientated. What gets thrown out? What stays? What new?

Too much.

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