The clock that keeps track of my mortality, the clock I cannot see, is banging away in my ears. I hear it every second. Every single one. Some days I am confronted with an issue that amplifies that ticking until it sounds like a gong. Today is one of those days.
Time is short. I am not really sure what that means to me, a 62 year old man. Does it mean 20 years or 20 seconds? Who knows. But at this age and stage of my life, even 20 years sounds short. So many feelings and memories and actions and loves and tantrums and apologies have been delayed. No more, at least for me. I cannot delay one more thing, ever, again. Even someone with lifelong habits such as mine has to learn to jump.
I have loved ones, children and grandchildren and ex’s and a mother and aunts and uncles and friends, and I want to grab them all by the throat and tell them TIME IS SHORT. I want them to understand what it is that I feel, that life is right now, that it isn’t too late if we die doing, but that to die while sitting is unacceptable.
I know, I know. Their path is theirs, and mine is mine. I know, I have no right to tell them to follow my process, especially since I waited so long to get started. I get it. I seem inclined to preach (just ask my kids) and I know it is wrong. I am consumed by the amount of energy that has risen in me at such a late time in life, and not knowing what to do with it is my problem, not theirs.
To be in such a hurry to use up all of this energy seems to fly in the face of the premise that spirit is at work and the way will show itself, in time. I have spoken and written about the power of “listening” for spirit and what that has meant to me. I have practiced tuning in to this force. And yet……..
I am describing here my lifelong struggle that occurs at the intersection where making choices meets listening for grace. Historically, I have denied grace a role in my life and have paid a price for it. Can I harness this energy and the sounds of a ticking clock and caress them, nurture them into a life of grace? Can I blend the opposing forces of restraint and surrender, appease the anxiety and treat my life force with gentle hands for once in my life?
I hope so.
And it starts right here by admitting that the lecture, the preaching about time being short, is not for my children or friends or family.
These words are for me.