It feels as if it might be close now. I cannot yet see it. I am unsure if that is because I am afraid to look or if it is not yet willing to reveal itself to me, such a lowly creature not worthy of a glimpse.
My nights are different these days, there are moments that transcend what can be experienced in the glow of the sun. These moments are openings to other manifestations, where I experience myself as a spinning mass of particles, where all makes sense except the ever present beating of my heart. Little separates my spinning atoms from the spinning atoms of others, including mulberry bushes and dogs. We are all in the same neighbourhood, within sight of all the others. What separates me and you from all the other manifestations is the beating heart within our chests, this unexplainable demonstration of the connection between man and spirit. It seems proof that there is a spirit, a grand consciousness that unites us all.
I cannot be sure if I am moving closer to this place or if it is moving closer to me. It can feel like an oncoming storm, arriving to sweep me up and away. It can feel like an impossibly high cliff that I am walking towards, unable to stop even as my stride shortens.
This “place” exists. It shows me at night of its power. It reveals itself as if through a small tear in a curtain, whispering to me “you said you wanted to see, well have a look at this”. And as I do, because I cannot resist, my knees no longer buckle. In the quiet of night, in the absence of distractions, I see ……. no make that feel …. sensations of the ancient and ever-present energy. Here is where I sense my being as energy too, as a part of the whole that is. Visualization becomes actualization, I do not need to bring ideas with me, for this is beyond ideas …. it is what is, simply existence.
To awaken in the morning with this experience still available to my memory, what to do with it? What to make of my existence as I sit amongst the flotsam of this world, like so much space junk passing by? Do I stay in the orbit of this junk, or do I reach over to new stars and encourage new gravity, or no gravity, to have its way with me?
The gift of being alone has a strange reward …. as it reveals the truth that we are both completely one and paradoxically so completely alone at the same moment and for all moments, moments that stretch beyond measure. It makes me contemplate living life at the brink, because it turns out that is the only place where life is really lived …. at the brink of non-existence. There is no other place where the energy is as full, stepping away from the brink is unquestionably a rejection of sorts. And I can feel it in my bones, this rejection, I know betrayal is involved, and that I am the betrayer.
In light of these night-time glimpses, my days seem so inadequate. They always felt so, and now I have a better idea why. And yet I was never shown how to celebrate, my efforts today sadly fall short of the occasion. Do I really have to find a way to both be alone AND to celebrate? How does one do this? Once again, I am left wanting.
These glimpses tantalize, and I will continue to foster them. I will not turn away. I cannot. Yet I have to ask myself …. I have to ask the energies, “must I be alone?”.