Damn The Losses

Glimpses of a past life keep showing up these days. The troubling thing is that the past life I am speaking of is the one I am living right now. For it to be a past life, isn’t a death necessary?

It remains to be seen what kind of death. Is there more than one kind? It seems so, but I can’t be sure just yet. What type of death has as it’s result some kind of survival?

Things are slipping away. It started a very long time ago, but it continues even now. The first to go was the ability to believe the bullshit. Some time later, the strength to pretend it wasn’t so disappeared as well. Then my fate was sealed. My bleeding hands started to loose grip on the hangman’s noose and I walked away from the gallows, leaving the spectators to watch the next show. I escaped the hanging, yes, but I became irrelevant. I no longer mattered.

This feeling that things are beginning to be over comes from a building sense of loss, and emptiness is what follows. Loss of opportunity, loss of love, loss of respect, loss of belonging, loss of virility, loss of relevance ………… damn the losses.

I can hear all the voices now, the pleas to witness the richness of aging. Yet, their talk isn’t really meant for me, but for themselves: they are at a loss for words, unable to grasp that what I really need is compassionate silence, connection through unflinching, moist eyes. Silence can communicate a shared experience of the world. Isn’t that what compassion is?

From where I sit, it just makes sense to feel these losses. They are real to me. They are real for lots of people.


5 responses to “Damn The Losses

  • renovatio06

    Your clarity is stunning! You really are connected to your authentic self, shedding one skin after another. Maybe the isolation we feel has been there all along? Yet, in doing the work, I still think, we’re beginning to lessen the isolation. Only the silent accomplice is the one who’s really isolated. Talking about it is certainly a means of breaking the isolation. Or so I’d like to believe. Some will turn away or denounce our truth – but some will listen, HAVE listened already.

    Liked by 1 person

    • photosentinel1953

      In one of my ayahuasca ceremonies, I asked Madre why was I subjected to so much pain? Almost every ceremony, new revelations of being treated badly, and the scope of these was truly disturbing. Her response? She said that humans are given pain so that they may learn and grow, and some accept the challenge while others turn away from it. She added that if I had not been so traumatized I would never have made it to the place I am now, a geographic place, a spiritual place, maybe even a cosmic place. At once, I understood my pain to be fuel instead of a burden. This exchange left me renewed. Truly, I stumbled into this path, difficult but rewarding.

      Liked by 1 person

      • renovatio06

        …. and you’re inspiring fellow travellers along the way, I tentatively say 🙂 And in most refined ways, if I might add.


      • photosentinel1953

        Well, it doesn’t stop here. I cannot really say why I am doing this. I have always been the quiet one, the one in the back row with little to say. Writing here comes from a place inside that I have not known until now. Given your personal experiences, I will point you to a website called “The Bristlecone Project”. http://bristleconeproject.org/
        It is largely self explanatory, but I have taken part in this project as well. You will find my profile there under my name, Tom Kerr. Soon, they are releasing a documentary that helps to promote this effort, and I am in that documentary as well. Very unlike me, I might ad again, but it seems necessary.

        Liked by 1 person

      • renovatio06

        OK, will go check it out. Lots going on right now, I must be careful not to innundate myself with too much info at once (although curiosity is my middle name… 🙂 ). Thanks! Kudos on making it into the documentary! I believe you’ll come to like your new self in it! (as in: “Tom can be daring – who knew?” Well, YOU did. Bravo!)


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