Such a strange feeling. I am in this life, at this time in history, with this society, and I am supposed to be within it all, even as I become more and more aware of the distaste I have for it all.

Of course, a large part of this distaste comes from my haunting. I have always felt haunted, and as the veil has been pulled back some, this makes sense. But I seem to have a problem with the order of operations, if you will. In my mind, I want to become clean first, then go about making choices of what life I want to live. Making choices while unclean seems to me to guarantee that the choices will be tainted in some way.

I have within me a force, a force that wants a release, maybe even demands it. It seems to have been ever-present. Like encapsulated molten lava, the building pressure to escape has reached to just below the surface now.

Other pressures have been building as well. The pressure to be honest, responsible, forthcoming, knowing, courageous, brave, and the willingness to bear the consequences for all of this life.

I have put the brakes on my life. Full stop. Quit my job. I have withdrawn from the trivial, but everything is trivial in the presence of lava, isn’t it? Money is disappearing. Few friends left, but the ones left are beauties. Attachment to things, gone too. And balance? Well, I may never have had it, but any remnants of what I had are gone.

I can see only one goal, just one. It is to be cleansed. Cleansed of the deeply embedded emotional shrapnel that will not let go. Or is it me that will not let go?

For me to become “clean” (whatever that means), I have to allow forces I do not understand to have their way with me. This involves surrender and a nakedness that feels like annihilation, a death. I wonder if I am up for it, but at the same instant I know deep within that I am not up for denial or retreat.

Messages from my ugly little past have found their way to the surface. They have travelled many, many miles and decades. They have worn down the sharp outline of my once wide shoulders, leaving them rounded and worn. Classmates and friends have born witness to my behaviors saturated with the evidence, writing me off as a flake of some kind. Ex-girlfriends, ex-wives and ex-partners all marked by my stains, leaving them to doubt themselves when the doubt was really mine.

Over the last few years, I have realized just how dependable my intuition is and has been, and in this recognition, I fully trust what it is that I feel, that all of these sensations are guides to my knowledge, my wisdom, to my truths. It is this force that has sustained me through all of this. So I trust that the forces rising within me mean something, and it scares the hell out of me.


4 responses to “Cleansing

  • renovatio06

    Hell, yeah – releasing the pre-programmed patterns and routines and succumbing to the “locomotive” as you so eloquently put it IS scary as hell, for sure! But it leads us to becoming our true authentic self/selves. That’s what I believe, that’s what I’m after and in for myself, that’s what I believe is what fuels the locomotive. (On a side note: “The Legend of Bagger Vance.”/ [with a mild trigger warning]. And: “Prince of the Tides”/ – with a strong trigger warning. But movies did something for me at times, when I thought some of this – or similar things – had only happened to me. I’m not saying the same happened, although I can’t be sure. Other things did, which I know of and which produced similar outcomes. Anyway – movies helped a lot in travelling back through some layers and retrieving repressed material)


    • photosentinel1953

      Funny, movies played a very big part in my way back as well. And as much as I deeply enjoyed those movies you mention, they did nothing to awaken me to the memories. I realized that the best movies that have as their theme “a man with a burden” really drew me in. “The Book of Eli” was one. And Vanilla Sky was big as well, because not only was there a burden but an inability to remember as a major theme in the plot. Now, later, I can understand what the attraction was, but not then. I have come to feel that whatever attracts is has a message for us. We are drawn to the things that we recognize, just as you and I recognize each other for our experiences. Paying attention at the highest level.

      Liked by 1 person

    • renovatio06

      P.S. I concur on “the order of things”. I have that same approach, but circumstances now push me to having to let go of my preferred order of steps and maybe take one I had hoped to make further down the road. Oh well – why should we get to have things only go our way when they mostly don’t for just about anyone… 😉


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