It is an interesting thing to be “letting it all hang out” here in a blog, chronicling the challenges of my life. As another blogger noted, it is a bit like saying “hey, wanna see my scar”? Sounds a bit narcissistic. I have struggled with this, but continue to write because it is a part of the process of becoming better, even healing.
As part of this exercise, I read the writings of others, many of them related to the same issue I am dealing with …. childhood trauma. I often find my voice in the words of others, and it comforts me in some strange way. Not unlike the ayahuasca community, I find that I am here amongst people wanting to heal. Surrounding myself with people that have the courage and desire and strength to do so is life-affirming, and I gain strength from their efforts.
My professional life is a hollow one. It is not fulfilling whatsoever. And until recently, I had not found the guts to step away. I hadn’t found the strength to leave, but I also couldn’t summon the courage to decide where I did belong.
Where, then do I belong? Where do I want to be?
I want to be alongside and amongst those that risk everything to be healthy. Everything.
They are the gutsy ones, the ones driven by a spirit within that knows that there is better. Despite their personal pain, or maybe because of it, they can sense that the universe has a rhythm that beats in the chests of all beings. To feel this beat is like coming home, and they are determined to complete the trek.
I slogged through the fog of life for years before I stumbled into an ayahuasca ceremony, and in doing so found for the very first time a place of revelation and honesty. I asked and the medicine responded in a language and tone that I understood. As I looked around the room I realized that those beside me were my brethren, my tribe: fellow travellers recalibrating their compasses towards the ever-present beat of the universe.
I have a “no compromise” principle driving me. I have become a zealot and I am headed for home. All good.