My view, and my viewing of this world and my place in it continues. It always will, I presume. I may even be considered an obsessive when it comes to this. I make no apologies either, but then who would I have to apologize to? No one, as it turns out.
This continuous drive to know and to understand has been all-consuming, especially in the last 15 years. Where the drive came from I could have never known before, but now I understand that it was largely due to a need to be healthy, which in my case meant solving a mystery. The traumas I experienced as a young child had taken up residence inside of my body like fossils. But they would no longer stay hidden: as I dug deeper, it is as if they began to move towards the surface, to meet me half way. This was my wisdom at work.
I have explored many many books, drank ayahuasca on numerous occasions, endured an Iboga ceremony (one of the toughest things I have ever done), been opened in most beautiful ways with MDMA, spent countless hours talking with counsellors, and countless more in discussions with willing (and maybe unwilling) friends and family. Without exception, I was exploring and the force behind these choices was my wisdom at work.
For the most part, I had always held any “system” of managing existential angst under suspicion. Even the most dominant and age-old practices, such as Tibetan Buddhism and others, always seemed like containers that we had to hold on to, in order to be released. This, to me, was and continues to be a contradiction. Yet, I too jumped into certain “practices” and have reaped the benefits from those decisions. Most notably, my continued reliance on ayahuasca could be considered as just another belief system, something to lean on and believe in. However, earlier this year I stepped away from ayahuasca as I sensed that I had over-stayed my welcome there.
I was moved to create an opening of time so that I could “hear myself think”. I was awash with new internal forces that I just could not understand and I had to sit quietly and gather myself. So I set out for the Mojave desert in southern California at the beginning of the year, determined to “sit down, shut up and let my wisdom rise”. And it did rise, with some of those experiences described in earlier posts in this blog.
As I sat for five days and four nights on the desert floor, I could see that all the decisions that I had made over many, many years and all the things that had happened “to me”, all of them had led me to that patch of sand. It was as if I had been guided to experience all the previous moments so that this moment would make sense.
I feel that all of the “systems” that I employed helped to guide and prepare me for the next step. One book led to another, one discussion led to others that led to a philosophical documentary that led to another book that led to ayahuasca that led to amazing friends that led to the desert that led to ……..?
Listening to the deepest knowing within required a patience that I am not normally known for. But once I recognized the smallest of benefits from that listening, I began to have the tiniest bit of trust that it might happen again. This was the beginning of trusting that maybe, just maybe, I had an inner knowing. A wisdom. Of course, it is only in hindsight that I can see this: trust me, I didn’t have a clue that I was building a sense of my own wisdom. I was lost.
I sense that I have not experienced my last bout of “lostness”. I expect very real challenges that will make me learn anew. What I am sensing, however, is that as I move I will understand more.