I have come to know as an adult that I am the force that manifests my life. I never knew this power was mine until rather late in life. Getting “here” was hard and tough and often I felt hopeless, really hopeless. So to be here as I am today is such a gift.
I have sometimes described my last few years as “crawling out from under the burdens”. As an emotionally blinded young boy, I grew up in denial of what happened to me. The burden was far too debilitating to face head on, so I made a deal with the devil and gave away my voice and eyesight if I could just be left alone. And alone is exactly where I found myself.
This healing process has been a journey of seeing again. My eyes had been weakened by the darkness, and only when I perceived that I might be safe did I begin to open them and bear witness, again, to the horrors of my childhood. Having my sight back allowed me to accept my reality, and this is when I could truly begin to heal.
I used to have an image of these burdens. I imagined boulders piled onto my back pushing downwards from above my weakened form. Now, I see these weights as tied to my eyelids and to my heart. I was lifting the burdens instead of carrying them and it had been up to me all along to lower them and untie the bindings. First, I freed my eyes, then my heart.
I have literally soared since. My mind is free to contemplate what I want my life to be, and I am still unsure. But I have given myself the gift of time and space so that I may experience absolutely every sensation.
To be emotionally well involves fully and completely accepting what is. To do this, I have to be able to see it first and here is where things start to break down. “What is” involves a cosmic field of view of the pure intelligence at play in the universe and it is beyond my ability to take it all in. I will, however continue to try.
The challenge is to elevate my point of view. Seeing the larger picture can create more room for my healing and ultimate well-being of the planet and beyond. It is all there to be seen if only I muster the courage to look. If I deny this opportunity, however, then I must accept that being unwell emotionally requires a denial of my truths, a deliberate failure to accept what is, a dishonesty about my life, and a rejection of my gifts.
To those suffering from trauma or illness or other forms of unspeakable loss, this can sound unfair. But any denial sets in motion an internal imbalance, in turn incapacitating our natural powers to varying degrees. The more I hide from the truths, the more separated I become from my wisdom and from my path.
I write here in the first person because these are my experiences and my views and I choose to share them for reasons I may not fully understand. But for anyone who recognizes themselves in these words at all, I add this. “We” need to be gentle with ourselves and all around us. Whatever it is we are trying to do, to be “awakened” has never been attempted before by so many at the same time. Yes, we need to keep at it, but we should hold compassion for everyone and be patient. A very good friend of mine reminded me of these things plus the role that grace can play should we allow it.
I have finally opened my eyes, accepted what I have witnessed, and opened my heart like never before. There is more learning ahead, I am sure.