Alone

I have described what it is that I am doing with my life as “surfing”. Surfing across the waves and waves of possible thought. Of course, I only am hitting a few of the waves, but more than I had ever imagined I would get a chance to. I never knew that my mind could surf and it is something that I celebrate.

I have been like this for quite a few years, but really became immersed about 4 1/2 years ago. A breakup started it all (big surprise here). An overdue one to be sure, but one more thing about it: it wasn’t me that did the breaking up. It was her. She had an affair, because I was depressed. I was depressed because I had to leave but couldn’t muster the courage. Crazy, I know. In my defence, I had already left one woman in my life and destroyed a family, I just couldn’t see myself being responsible for doing it again. So I did it in a passive-aggressive way. I didn’t set out to accomplish such a thing: it just ended up that way.

But it was done, the relationship that is. Then I set out to understand that which had eluded me for my entire life. I needed to understand why my life was so damn hard. Why did my legs feel like concrete all the time? Was I faulty, and everyone else okay? Why did life elude me, happiness too? And so the inquiry was on, most of which is chronicled in previous posts of this blog. I have come a very, very long way.

Basically, now I understand my life, and this has made all the difference. All the difference. I know that my buried memories of childhood abuse contaminated my every move for over 5 decades, and the subsequent results of those moves only further confused and engrained in me a (faulty) sense of worthlessness.

Here I am today, opening up more and more to the possibilities of this life. I consider things quite differently now, I wonder about things like past lives and quantum mechanics, I read about PTSD and repressed memories, I cannot get enough of Alan Watts, I read about shamanism, I read poetry, and most of all, I really, really listen.

I had to spend a great deal of time alone over the past 4 1/2 years. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy alone, probably because it is safe and safety was a main concern for me in my youth. Being alone allowed me to sense my intuition differently than ever before, and decisions I made gradually led me to a place of understanding. I have enjoyed it all, but make no mistake, there were some very, very alone times.

While I have a few amazing friends, there is no partner, no lover. I have to consider that there may be no place for one either, given the gifts solitude has bestowed. Solitude has become a saviour, it has provided the time and space for me to explore, to understand, to heal. These are some of the greatest gifts in my life and I cannot possibly end the inquiry now. I just got started.

I have grown to “sense” things rather than believe them. I am aware of a larger scale where love is the great equalizer and that what I used to call “alone” is a small scale matter.

Don’t worry about alone, Tom.

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One response to “Alone

  • renovatio06

    I commend you on that thought process! And much of what you write here resembles parts of my journey as well. And yes, solitude – best done outside in nature IMHO – is a great source of inspiration and healing.

    If I had to put things in a nutshell from my own journey of 5 decades so far, which has started out “on the wrong foot” as it were if one had gone for a “happy camper” sort of life, then it would be this: Matters of the heart, all things emotional know no shortcuts. Everything demands to be looked at and – processed as best as possible. If not, the remnants of the unprocessed fester away in the subconscious realm and come out anyway, only in an even less clear, much less controllable way.

    Godspeed, you’re doin’ good from where I’m watching! (Not meaning to sound condescending….)

    Liked by 1 person

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