I have described what it is that I am doing with my life as “surfing”. Surfing across the waves and waves of possible thought. Of course, I only am hitting a few of the waves, but more than I had ever imagined I would get a chance to. I never knew that my mind could surf and it is something that I celebrate.
I have been like this for quite a few years, but really became immersed about 4 1/2 years ago. A breakup started it all (big surprise here). An overdue one to be sure, but one more thing about it: it wasn’t me that did the breaking up. It was her. She had an affair, because I was depressed. I was depressed because I had to leave but couldn’t muster the courage. Crazy, I know. In my defence, I had already left one woman in my life and destroyed a family, I just couldn’t see myself being responsible for doing it again. So I did it in a passive-aggressive way. I didn’t set out to accomplish such a thing: it just ended up that way.
But it was done, the relationship that is. Then I set out to understand that which had eluded me for my entire life. I needed to understand why my life was so damn hard. Why did my legs feel like concrete all the time? Was I faulty, and everyone else okay? Why did life elude me, happiness too? And so the inquiry was on, most of which is chronicled in previous posts of this blog. I have come a very, very long way.
Basically, now I understand my life, and this has made all the difference. All the difference. I know that my buried memories of childhood abuse contaminated my every move for over 5 decades, and the subsequent results of those moves only further confused and engrained in me a (faulty) sense of worthlessness.
Here I am today, opening up more and more to the possibilities of this life. I consider things quite differently now, I wonder about things like past lives and quantum mechanics, I read about PTSD and repressed memories, I cannot get enough of Alan Watts, I read about shamanism, I read poetry, and most of all, I really, really listen.
I had to spend a great deal of time alone over the past 4 1/2 years. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy alone, probably because it is safe and safety was a main concern for me in my youth. Being alone allowed me to sense my intuition differently than ever before, and decisions I made gradually led me to a place of understanding. I have enjoyed it all, but make no mistake, there were some very, very alone times.
While I have a few amazing friends, there is no partner, no lover. I have to consider that there may be no place for one either, given the gifts solitude has bestowed. Solitude has become a saviour, it has provided the time and space for me to explore, to understand, to heal. These are some of the greatest gifts in my life and I cannot possibly end the inquiry now. I just got started.
I have grown to “sense” things rather than believe them. I am aware of a larger scale where love is the great equalizer and that what I used to call “alone” is a small scale matter.
Don’t worry about alone, Tom.