This healing shit is quite the ride. So many times I have had such emotional releases that I completely believed I was “done”. Yet without fail, more would show up and I realized there was new difficulties ahead.
I have been relentless, always moving towards some invisible and indefinable next step. Writing has been a great outlet, helping to find the words that allow me to make sense of my life. Many ayahuasca ceremonies, a few with MDMA and one with Iboga. And I have talked, and talked and talked. I have come to realize, however, that I have been managing my healing, as if it can be planned and routed and choreographed. All of these efforts, all of my “managing” is my attempt to avoid the heavy lifting of feeling all of the accumulated pain stored inside of my being.
The pain is showing up again, with a greater force. It wants out. It is as if it is coming to be witnessed, felt and faced.
To make my point, here is a description of how I sleep at night.
Many nights I have wakened myself with a cry or groan. I usually hear enough of the last portion with my own ears, and witness my dog coming towards me in the dark to check on me. My body contorts in ways it never has. I find myself in a fetal position often, but that isn’t new. What is new is that I alternate between fetal and stretching my legs straight out, feet flattened and extended. It is extremely forceful, sometimes resulting in a cramp. I am usually face down, or slightly on my side, with my hands rubbing the back of my legs as if to help them stretch more. There is a great deal of thrashing and tossing and turning. These are not the characteristics of a man getting a good night’s sleep, but a man full of forces that want expression.
I am here to tell you that the work isn’t done. I can tell. I have not allowed the release, I have not dropped my guard.
I was fucked over, literally, in a real bad way. My body is looking for release, it hasn’t told the complete story and it is me and my fears that are getting in the way. I am unsure if I can face what must be done, I am so very tired.
Was it really this bad, this horrific? With all that I have done, is the hardest still ahead of me?