This healing shit is quite the ride. So many times I have had such emotional releases that I completely believed I was “done”. Yet without fail, more would show up and I realized there was new difficulties ahead.

I have been relentless, always moving towards some invisible and indefinable next step. Writing has been a great outlet, helping to find the words that allow me to make sense of my life. Many ayahuasca ceremonies, a few with MDMA and one with Iboga. And I have talked, and talked and talked. I have come to realize, however, that I have been managing my healing, as if it can be planned and routed and choreographed. All of these efforts, all of my “managing” is my attempt to avoid the heavy lifting of feeling all of the accumulated pain stored inside of my being.

The pain is showing up again, with a greater force. It wants out. It is as if it is coming to be witnessed, felt and faced.

To make my point, here is a description of how I sleep at night.

Many nights I have wakened myself with a cry or groan. I usually hear enough of the last portion with my own ears, and witness my dog coming towards me in the dark to check on me. My body contorts in ways it never has. I find myself in a fetal position often, but that isn’t new. What is new is that I alternate between fetal and stretching my legs straight out, feet flattened and extended. It is extremely forceful, sometimes resulting in a cramp. I am usually face down, or slightly on my side, with my hands rubbing the back of my legs as if to help them stretch more. There is a great deal of thrashing and tossing and turning. These are not the characteristics of a man getting a good night’s sleep, but a man full of forces that want expression.

I am here to tell you that the work isn’t done. I can tell. I have not allowed the release, I have not dropped my guard.

I was fucked over, literally, in a real bad way. My body is looking for release, it hasn’t told the complete story and it is me and my fears that are getting in the way. I am unsure if I can face what must be done, I am so very tired.

Was it really this bad, this horrific? With all that I have done, is the hardest still ahead of me?


4 responses to “Surprised

  • feelingmywaybackintolife

    ❤ I am not sure if the last sentence really is a question, but in case it is, this is my reply.

    From a day to day perspective I would like to say 'I very much hope the hardest part is behind you.' But somehow just wishing that doesn't really work in my world (yet?).

    When in doubt I try to practise what my mother did. She had cancer, was said to only have 2 years ahead of her, max. She worked on a lot of issues and finally died 6 years after she had received that message. In those years her bodily functions gave in one by one. Some weeks e.g. she was not be able to read because a tumor would grown in her eye sockets. She would get radiation, the non-curative type and the tumor would shrink and she would read again until there was no repairing possible anymore. Some days, weeks she would have difficulty walking or sitting because a tumor was pushing on her spine. Again, non curative radiation would fix it for a while. In due time her body gave in but her character started to come out of the shadows. During this proces she and I (re?) connected in a true way and were able to say goodbye. Part of what I learned from her is this: she would say 'I am me, and I have cancer. I am not the cancer.'

    That is what I try to remember and live by in my dark moments. I am Feeling, and I have pain, problems, issues. I AM not the pain, the problems, the issues.

    There is a disconnect there, I call it a separation between being and having. I hope to be able to practise that. When I am in the place I call Self, I'm 'ok'. Well, 'ok' does not have a meaning there anymore, opinions strengthen the attachments which are about the having. When I am in that place, where, using your words: I allow release and can drop my guard because that is where I exist – all other is shell. It is there where my true Self is and where I am not broken.

    And… having said that….. it is, as you might have read from my blog, for me an exceptional state of mind or more a state of being. I am not there often because I am guessing it takes knowledge of the way to get there and practise to maintain the state of being throughout the turmoil of daily life. As my Ayahuasca spirit said: 'I can only show you the way, you have to do the work.' However, I do think the 'solution' is there. That the way of 'letting go' (which is an overused, underrated, misunderstood concept mainly used by people to close a discussion they do not want to be in…. 😉 – and I do not mean it that way) is through this practise of realising the separation between being (Self) and having (pain, trouble, attachment).

    Having said that…… well, you, as no other know, it is not the easy way because (another personal thought) we got this body in order to be confused about the being and the having. It's just that this world is very much out of whack and so are the people in it and therefor life which would, I think, originally be mild and supportive has worldwide grown into a horrific, hurtful happening. 😦

    I'm speaking from personal experience and I share this with you in the hope that you possibly find some recognition in it.

    Love, Feeling


  • Rosemary

    It’s hard to know you are struggling so much.
    I know that you are working through your life and sharing is a good thing for you and each of us who read your writings.
    Stay your course. Your peace will come.
    You are a very brave man and I take strength from you.
    God bless you and please keep following your path.
    You are in my thought and I think of you often.
    Loving Always.

    Liked by 1 person

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