In the days immediately after fasting in a desert for four days and nights I felt almost transparent, as if I was a field of energy. And everything around me felt like energy as well, the physical, the non-physical, the people.
As I walked over the ground, my strides seemed to be in step with the rotation of the earth. When I looked up at the sun, I could not tell in which direction the rays were travelling. The warm desert breezes caressed my skin and tousled my hair, reminding me of a lover’s touch. As others smiled, the corners of my mouth curved. Every sensation was a communion with a consciousness so large.
This state followed me into my quiet and sleeping hours, and I was gifted with an epic, mythological dream that rewired my relationship with guilt and grief. I was “shown” that I cannot save anyone, not those whom I have hurt, not even myself. Saving others is not my domain, and I am helpless. They must do their own work.
The dream departed and the concept of courage slammed into me, hard. I can only describe it as an all-powerful experience of where courage comes into play …. everywhere, and what it can accomplish …. everything. This hit me as if a bolt of lightening and I was now awake, wide-eyed, and expansive.
Courage is the only response, to every situation. Full stop. It is the keystone to all that follows, and yet it must come first. Courage is what situates everything else.
This courage I speak of is the “home -grown” variety, the stuff that feeds off the bacteria deep within my bowels and holds on, refusing to be shit out. It is not found in the groovy posters and words of the famous but is seeded within. It has been grown out of my own experiences of pain and gain and love and loss. It is powerful because it has been earned.
I can no longer say that I didn’t understand. I have “outed” myself now, and there is no place left to hide. This is another of those “hard truths” I have written about. Maybe the hard truth.
Do I choose to express myself, fully, or do I deny myself?
There can be only one answer.