Holding Space

I continue to heal. With each movement, I understand the distance from “there”, the place where this all started, to “here”, some temporary marker of my life. The distance is nothing short of extreme, and the benefits beyond miraculous. I am running out of words to describe this.

In this path, I have become someone very different, someone with a felt sense of what it is like to dig my way to the surface of the earth from unspeakable depths. The only knowing was the desperate and extreme self-doubt: mystery blinded me to all else.

Displacing the weight and the demands of my childhood traumas has opened me to such beauty, but it has also exposed me to the felt sense of others that carry similar burdens. I almost experience their weight, and I feel the need to reach out.

But of course, I cannot. It is not their time, and it is not my place. Each person comes to their healing when they are ready and it is not up to me or anyone else to interfere.

I am unsure what I am to do with these sensations. It feels that there might be a place for me, maybe as a witness or an invisible companion, someone that holds space for healing. Sometimes I try to imagine what it might have been like to have someone alongside of me, someone who understood the difficult emotional terrain I had to traverse.

For now, I will listen and hold space.

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One response to “Holding Space

  • feelingmywaybackintolife

    Yes, the being exposed to the sense of others who carry similar burdens; it is sometimes overwhelming, painful, painful. Little babes looking at me with eyes saying ‘Save me, save me.’ but there is no ability to act since it is all based on sense only. Sensing the need for abuse in others is horrible too. I feel I can pick them out just by feeling them. It’s horrible, the corruption, the perversion.
    There was a big child abuse horror story in a chain of daycare centers for baby’s and toddlers in Amsterdam a few years ago. At some point I biked along one of the centers, I looked at the name and the wave of childporn overwhelmed me. Flashes of images I had no conscious knowledge of flashed before my eyes. I am pretty sure I had not, ever in my life seen these pictures, I am lucky to have no recollection of any kind of child porn btw. It was a sickening experience, so sickening. I remembered thinking by myself ‘You should not overreact, they just carry a stupidly chosen name for the daycare. Don’t go seeing child abuse everywhere.’ That was 3 months before the child abuse horror came in the news.
    Sometimes I think I should work with the police, but I don’t think I could bear it.
    Well, hmmm, not sure if this is a helpful reply. :-/ Holding space. I am not sure that I can even hold my own. I can learn. I will learn on day I think. šŸ™‚
    xx, Feeling

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