Enough Already

I think I now understand what it takes for someone to decide that they must go on a hunger strike.

What it takes is this: they have tried everything else they possibly can and still they are imprisoned. They cannot find their way out. Hunger strikes are a measure of last resort and what I am starting to understand about these people is that they must be intense and dedicated and willing to do whatever it takes to gain their freedom.

My hunger strike may look a little more like an anger strike. I am beyond agitated that the residue of abuse keeps picking away at my sanity. It just won’t fucking let go, it’s like a splinter wedged in my gut, surrounded by an infection. In my sleep, in my belly and especially when dusk arrives, my anxiety resides and propagates.

I found a blog written by someone who sounds and writes quite a bit like myself. It is an excellent presentation of what heights a person can rise to when he heals. Reading it the other day, I found an entry where he describes how he was able to arrive at the memory of the moment where he disassociated from his body, that instant when terror took up full-time residence in his cells. Remarkably, this happened while he was sitting quietly in meditation. I say remarkably, because facing this horror cannot easily be reconciled with sitting quietly. While he does not describe the details, he does insinuate that meeting the grief of this moment was anything but peaceful: I know that he must have been incredibly brave to have invited in this intersection of horror and courage to take place inside his belly. His whole being became a womb, and it must have been torturous.

Like me, this man has searched out many routes, including those I have (ayahuasca, MDMA, psylocibin) but he went further and found that a daily practice of Insight Meditation was central to his healing. For myself, sitting quietly was and still is a very difficult thing to do, it feels like I am in the middle of a firing range. But he (the blogger) knew he had to sit and welcome the onslaught.

Ayahuasca, MDMA, Iboga, Psylocibin, Vision Fasts, all of these things I have made agreements with: I have placed myself in their “hands” and asked for deliverance from the evil acts of some very angry men so very long ago. And while I have travelled far, I am still haunted.

Like my fellow blogger, I too disassociated from my body and I am having a very fucking difficult time getting it back.

Some of these words and thoughts I have written before, cobbled together in similar ways. I have worried that stating the facts more than once makes it sound like I have fallen in to a trap, that I am becoming the bitchy victim. Yet I know nothing could be further from the truth. I am light years ahead of where I was only three years ago.

But I am clearly having trouble taking the next steps.

 

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8 responses to “Enough Already

  • renovatio06

    We seem to have come across the same blog entry and I also thought of writing something about my own attempts at – and/or progress with – coming around from this moment of dissociating from my body – or maybe even coming INTO my body for the FIRST time…. (as my initial trauma happened not long after my birth and got “set in stone” – well, into my cells – by a retraumatizing event at age four)

    It’s interesting how these extreme events seem to leave marks on us that manifest in – apparently – very similar ways, almost regardless of the nature and circumstances of the initial traumatic event and how we all seem to come across the almost same – or very similar – roadblocks in our journey to recovery. While I’m now better able to appreciate the “bonding” quality of these similarities, I’ve always been a very results-oriented individual and I think I see that in you and so many others, who’ve been wrestling with these incredibly powerful demons for sooo long: We just want to get rid of them!

    I think, the catch22 for actually breaking the vicious cycle is that it takes that very thing that was ripped from us: Ultimate, infinite trust – or should I say: _Confidence_ (? – !) – in ourselves AND particularly our body and a knowing that the stress of facing the original trauma won’t kill us. In other words: A perfect mechanism of self-protection turns against us and we must somehow go against our own nature in overcoming the invisible shackles holding us hostage…. or something like that. I wish you much success in continuing your journey and potentially facing – and living through – these very dark moments to come out completely healed and restored on the other side…

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    • photosentinel1953

      Your response is perfect. We have been stripped of the very tools we need to navigate the confusion and to come to understand our dilemma. Even after, we still have to grind our way back to health. Thanks for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • renovatio06

        It’s a grind for sure. But I think – and a therapist confirms this – I see progress as of late. Slow and sometimes perceived as minuscule. But progress, nonetheless. Keep the course! (y)

        Liked by 1 person

      • renovatio06

        I’m revisiting some of your earlier blog entries and your and my comments again as I now stand on the brink of deciding to put myself through the ordeal of revisiting the horror that derailed my entire being from the get-go. Pride and a fair amount of apprehension – just a hair shy of another form of terror – have been holding me back so far (next to the alluded to, factual/monetary mountain of adversity I have to overcome in generating the funds to actually book a “diet”. I think, I’m zeroing in on Mexico and one of the retreats, where Dr. Maté takes care of the integration process post-intake. It feels like a journey with no return and in very existential, physical ways even it might become just that, potential physical death included. But it’s gotta be this or …. ending it myself, because I really, really have exhausted EVERY other option there ever was and the ones that I _might_ make possible. I land on the same result every time: It is no longer about me or my amount of resilience I bring to the table, but about how the rest of society will see, accept, include me. And the answer is always “No, they won’t” based on PLENTY of previous experience. The chips are down, it’s the last option I got left for this incarnation.

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      • photosentinel1953

        Would you be interested in a phone call? I would be pleased to offer and take part.

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      • renovatio06

        That’s a very generous and interesting offer, Tom, as all my references to those who have imbibed the brew are second hand. However, considering that I live on a different continent, roaming fees might be excessive. Skype would work or “Facetime”, if you happen to be on a Mac. I’m “renovatio06” (o-six in the end, minus quotes) on Skype. I usually stay up late, however, I’m going to have to back to normal times on Sunday, when my landlord returns (walls are very thin here, even talking might wake him). There could be a time difference of up to 9 hours depending on where you live (we are ahead of local US time here in Europe)

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      • photosentinel1953

        I live on the west coast of Canada, in Victoria, British Columbia. It is 7:30 am here now. I am somewhat busy for the next 4 hours, too busy to be on Skype. But I can call you on phone in about 90 minutes and am able to do that for about an hour. No issue with phone costs, so if are up for that, let me know. Send phone number to my personal email at photosentinel@gmail.com. My name is Tom.

        Like

      • photosentinel1953

        Let me know how you are doing. Use personal email, thanks.

        Like

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