I have always been what some would call a “searcher”. I felt there was the one big answer that would release me from the mystery within. I was looking for an epiphany long before I even knew what that was.
When I stumbled in to an ayahuasca ceremony, I found epiphany in liquid form. The sudden onset of new insights was overwhelming and stunning and life-affirming. In ayahuasca I had found a force strong enough to set aside the dark ache within and it flung me into distant orbits. I was able to understand the mysteries and for the first time have compassion for myself. This is when I began to show up and be an agent in my own healing. I needed to come to grips with the life-long effects of abuse, and this became the front line in my battle to break free of the darkness.
I saw that my life actually made sense. Raise a kid in a constant state of fear, throw in some abandonment and a lot of anger and top it all off with some serious abuse and viola, this is what happens. I didn’t know how to live a meaningful life. I didn’t know how to be joyful. For the first time I understood why.
I understood that I had to pay attention to the effects of the abuse and not the abuse itself. I had to investigate the syndrome of hidden memories, the short and long term effects of trauma and how brain development is compromised in children. I read about the Somatic Experiencing process developed by Dr. Peter Levine. I read “In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts” by Dr. Gabor Mate. I wanted to understand how I was affected, and why I had lived the life I had lived in the absence of a nurturing childhood. This was a forensic investigation into my life.
Throughout this self-driven tear down of my life, I never really felt that I was where I needed to be. I had this feeling that there was more to be done, more to be seen, more to be thrown out. Quite simply I was still haunted by an unknown interior knowing. Another mystery.
One of the loose threads that kept nagging me was a constant reminder of the dishonesty all around. Avoidance rules most of our society. Certainly it ruled my personal life. My birth “family” was built on a toxic blend of anger and loneliness yet I seem to be the only one that recognized this. The others pretend that life was good and to this day I continue to hate their dishonesty more than the loneliness and abuse. Simply put, I was immersed in dishonesty, I was trained in it, and I ended up practicing it.
I have unearthed an absolutely disgusting truth. It is to find that I am the dishonest and deceitful one. The poison of my life is my silence.