A New Frontier

I have always been what some would call a “searcher”. I felt there was the one big answer that would release me from the mystery within. I was looking for an epiphany long before I even knew what that was.

When I stumbled in to an ayahuasca ceremony, I found epiphany in liquid form. The sudden onset of new insights was overwhelming and stunning and life-affirming. In ayahuasca I had found a force strong enough to set aside the dark ache within and it flung me into distant orbits. I was able to understand the mysteries and for the first time have compassion for myself. This is when I began to show up and be an agent in my own healing. I needed to come to grips with the life-long effects of abuse, and this became the front line in my battle to break free of the darkness.

I saw that my life actually made sense. Raise a kid in a constant state of fear, throw in some abandonment and a lot of anger and top it all off with some serious abuse and viola, this is what happens. I didn’t know how to live a meaningful life. I didn’t know how to be joyful. For the first time I understood why.

I understood that I had to pay attention to the effects of the abuse and not the abuse itself. I had to investigate the syndrome of hidden memories, the short and long term effects of trauma and how brain development is compromised in children. I read about the Somatic Experiencing process developed by Dr. Peter Levine. I read “In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts” by Dr. Gabor Mate. I wanted to understand how I was affected, and why I had lived the life I had lived in the absence of a nurturing childhood. This was a forensic investigation into my life.

Throughout this self-driven tear down of my life, I never really felt that I was where I needed to be. I had this feeling that there was more to be done, more to be seen, more to be thrown out. Quite simply I was still haunted by an unknown interior knowing. Another mystery.

One of the loose threads that kept nagging me was a constant reminder of the dishonesty all around. Avoidance rules most of our society. Certainly it ruled my personal life. My birth “family” was built on a toxic blend of anger and loneliness yet I seem to be the only one that recognized this. The others pretend that life was good and to this day I continue to hate their dishonesty more than the loneliness and abuse. Simply put, I was immersed in dishonesty, I was trained in it, and I ended up practicing it.

I have unearthed an absolutely disgusting truth. It is to find that I am the dishonest and deceitful one. The poison of my life is my silence.

Devastating.

 

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3 responses to “A New Frontier

  • quantumpreceptor

    Keep healing, find your sacred being, and keep moving on. When you know you have beaten your troubles, help others.

    Like

    • photosentinel1953

      I am going to take issue with your response to my post, largely because I find it flat and irrelevant, and maybe even insulting (which I do not imagine you intended). Trust me when I say that I am a fairly intelligent man that has expended huge amounts of energy to gain the health that I have. Some of those efforts included deep inquiry into “quantum awareness” and I truly see that this approach has a lot to offer anyone. I am even thinking of attending the SAND conference in San Jose this fall, so I am not without interest in the realm that you write from.
      But I ask you to consider what your comment could possibly provide someone that has experienced what I have. I expect that you have not read all of the posts in my blog, otherwise you would not have entered such bland advice. If you had read through it, hopefully you would have a glimpse in to the immensity of the task I (and others like me) am involved in. From where I stand, reducing advice for my healing process to “keep healing, find your sacred being, and keep moving on” cannot even begin to encompass what this is about. And to the most important point I want to make, these words would be extremely cold comfort to someone who is teetering on the edge of a bridge railing somewhere, wondering if their life is worth anything, struggling to find support anywhere they can, even in a blog post.
      And just in case you commented on my blog because you have a similar background, you should know that healing from childhood sexual abuse cannot be distilled into such simple platitudes. If you haven’t had such experiences, then don’t comment on something you know nothing about. Advice from those that don’t understand isn’t advice at all. It is interference.
      I am not writing here so that I can defend my right to suffer. I am more healthy than I could have possibly hoped for. I am not a whiner, I am not a victim. But I will advocate for myself and others who are in the process of healing. It is such a nuanced and difficult passage to undertake and it must be respected and supported.

      Like

  • renovatio06

    Same here. I tell myself that this is forgiveness, but it is simply perpetuating everything that was wrong. However, I can honestly say that I tried to break through and reveal the wrongdoings. Know that I feel you there, if it any help.

    Like

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