The Elegance of Collapse

I am just beginning to see the brilliance of intuition in general and mine in particular. It has been ever-present and always loving. Even as I feigned deafness for many decades, it continued it’s internal narration.

This intuition is an intelligence that permeates this universe, maybe it is consciousness itself. No matter, I do not pretend that I own nor author the brilliance: I receive it.

I have made many choices in my life that rejected the internal advice. I chose to believe in the promises of society instead. I blindly placed myself at the feet of society’s ideologies hoping that I might find shelter for my confused soul. I hung on desperately for the world to step up and soothe my aches.

Over the years, these crutches faltered and I crumbled as my choices failed me: family, school, marriage, children, jobs, friends and money all fell away. They could not bear the weight of my emptiness. Neither could I.

The failures mounted. The aches persisted.  My world slipped further out of focus and I came face to face with the great emptiness within. All the masks had fallen away. In the absence of the false gods I began to hear the cosmos humming a gentle and graceful tune.

I had a choice: to continue blindly or to listen. Amazingly, I chose to listen. And big things started to happen almost immediately.

First, I melted down, I encountered the grief and sadness and loneliness that I had been desperately avoiding. And it hurt, a lot. I was dissolving, and in this process I found myself doing something new: I began to believe in myself for the first time. This is when my life became honest, and I knew it. I could feel it. Maybe even taste it.

I felt a wind at my back, and I became relentless. Exploring consciousness became my “path” and along the way I learned to trust the world, to trust others and most importantly to trust myself. This continues to be the greatest of gifts and for this I am full of gratitude.

My collapse forced me to let go of what didn’t serve me. Oddly what served me best was the collapse itself.

Pure intelligence. Elegance.

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