My Dilemma

I have been surprised, once again, by the energies in my body, the energies that are often released in ceremony or in sleep or in discussions with others.

Last week, I had the pleasure of spending some time with a man who also experienced childhood sexual abuse. He has spent over 30 years coming to grips with those experiences and how he was altered by them. Recently he was surprised when, through some deep body work, he found remnants of those memories hiding deep in his cells. He described his release of these energies and the subsequent improvements in his well-being. I was spell-bound as he told this story, and in the few days since I have reflected deeply about my own releases. I know that I have yet to work down to the levels that he spoke of.

Now my mind is racing, trying to see what it is I need to do or think or change so that I too may experience deeper healing. Suddenly I have become very tired, and I am questioning everything, again.

Am I spending my entire life trying to rid myself of these feelings? Am I spending my entire life haunted by the possibility that other memories are buried somewhere waiting to be released? Am I doomed to be tainted forever? This is how it feels. I am so tired, I feel burdened, exhausted. Angry and confused.

I have been altered by these experiences, but altered may be the wrong word because I was never not-altered. My foundational traumas were very early, so there was never a time where I was without burdens, without traumas, and with care and comfort and health. Never. So I have never been other than this, I have always been “hyper-vigilant”. I have been worried, tense, troubled, guarded. Fucked, actually.

My nights are full of shifting, from fetal to stretching, from back to front, sore neck muscles and clenched teeth. My body acts out things, it is activated by energies that I can only assume are related to childhood shit. And so I am reminded both consciously but more often sub-consciously that there are ghosts.

As I understand it, it is my body that is dragging along the past to this moment, a continuous reminder that shit happened. Never settled, never at ease, unwilling to relax. If I was to get all buddhist-like and stay completely present, as they say is possible, does that mean my body forgets things? No, it doesn’t. But if I get fully present, how do I “witness” things and just let them go, let the memories and the bodily disruptions float away? Sounds like fucking hogwash to me. Not my skill set it would seem.

I am having a very hard time being fully here, being patient, accepting this as reality, that all is as it should be, all that bullshit. Anger is arising. I want this over. I am not feeling gracious. I am not happy at all.

Most days, I say that I have never been more healthy emotionally. And this is very, very true. Subliminally these words also say I have some big work ahead of me.

My dilemma?

How do I quieten my mind when my body won’t stop screaming at me?

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