Alterations 2.0

Altered states of consciousness have helped me to alter my perspective, my perceptions. 

Why have I been so driven to alter my way of perceiving this experience of life? Not sure but likely because I felt suffering so close at hand all the time. Suffering has been the fuel. 

Strange. 

All of this so I can suffer less? Or maybe I just needed to know the reasons, both personal and ontological, behind suffering. Understanding of suffering?

In recent years I have come to see that being in denial of “what is” guarantees that I will suffer. I see the sense of this statement. 

Imagine my surprise when I caught a glimpse of a very personal “what is” during an ayahuasca ceremony, that I was suffering because I was denying that I had suffered during my childhood. 

Doubly strange. Suffering because I wouldn’t allow that I had suffered. 

My denial was complete. I had buried everything so deep, for so long, so effectively that all that remained on the surface was a hollowed out man. 

This blog entry, this very one, is an attempt to alter my perception of my situation further, again. In writing it, I am trying to determine why I think I need to continue, to determine why I think I am not done yet. 

Uncovering the premise that I am suffering because I have not accepted that I suffered in my childhood is quite astonishing. 

Considering why I search has become more important than considering what it is I am searching for. 

I didn’t see this coming. 

Denial two levels deep. 

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3 responses to “Alterations 2.0

  • renovatio06

    I’ve been there, went right into the muck. Since I think I can attest to your being on to the “real thing” – and I am aware of this sounding somewhat overbearing and I’m at risk of overstepping a boundary in you, so I apologize in advance, if in fact I did -, I’d also like to suggest a mild warning, which reads: Tread carefully. (I haven’t, hence my comment). When I say “carefully”, I guess I am suggesting to proceed with maximum care and self-compassion, especially when it comes to things like how much you think you can handle at any given point in time. (and unfortunately, you’re likely to only know after the fact)

    Nonetheless…. I think I tend to agree that the direction you seem to be taking as of late resonates with my own experiences in so far as “owning one’s truth” has a share of empowerment to it. Confronting your feelings about “what is” – or more specifically: (emotional) outcomes and echoes of “what was” – can be both liberating and devastating, possibly to an equal degree. As to the “devastating” part: You may want to consider booking sessions with someone so that the impact can be mitigated – or at least discussed, which will hopefully decrease its blow.

    I think I am at a similar point in my own journey, where I seem forced to accept that what was has really left its marks on me and meddled with my evolution as a human being in ways that produced outcomes outside of that frame of consensus that is generally coined as “standard” or “conventional”. An other way of expressing this is what some therapists or health professionals call “post traumatic growth”. To say it even more shortly and simply: Many of us didn’t have another or better choice than to grow beyond the horrors endured and (physically) survived. We were forced into to being a version of us, we couldn’t have planned for nor were initially destined to be (unless you augment that perspective by adding the “spiritual” dimension to it; the quotes, because I’m not sure, what that dimension is supposed to be while incarnated and whether or not it has any practical application in terms of better coming to terms with what is and what was).

    I guess, I’m trying to say: I feel you, and I’m trying to say it without trespassing boundaries you are likely to have developed as required and as such healthy protection from too much input.

    I’m not sure that any of the above makes sense to you, but I’m hoping it does.

    Liked by 2 people

    • photosentinel1953

      It makes sense because I know the terrain. Everything that I write is an attempt to understand why I live the way I do. I have come to accept that the barbs of trauma will show themselves from time to time, almost always without warning and that it will be my challenge to make space for these events and not judge myself harshly when it happens. Additionally the understandings that I can gather also help to soften my stance in day to day life. I am trying to make self-compassion a natural attribute.

      Liked by 2 people

  • feelingmywaybackintolife

    I come to blogging from another point in life; addiction. Not sure if it is any use to you but I have learned that all the behaviour we show is based on the (subconscious?) thought that this ‘costs the least’ or ‘hurts the least’ or ‘brings most gain’. What we (i) weigh in can differ. Sometimes ‘doing the right thing’ is the gain. Sometimes I felt I would gain from hurting somebody who had wronged me. Sometimes ‘fitting in’ counts. Sometimes ‘not feeling’ is the gain. Sometimes it is not safe to feel and not feeling is required to even survive. Both ‘fitting in’ and ‘not feeling’ are great at building up denial. It is a survival method. I am guessing like every other behaviour we show: it is how we think we survive best. And that may change over time. Like I first thought drinking was a good idea – it never was, but I somehow had no other coping mechanismn and funny enough, in a not funny way, alcohol very much helps to not build comping mechanisms. :-/ Hmmm, same as denial. Hmmm…. I see more similarities in my life. Well, that. Denial is a survival methode. And then there comes a point where it needs to go because it is not helpful anymore.
    I wish you peace, strenght, clarity in your search.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

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