I have to admit that the blogging experience is a bit of a paradox for me. I have enjoyed the rhythm of writing on a more consistent basis, and the existence of this blog creates a “calling” of sorts to visit, read other’s work, and record my thoughts. It has been good for me.
Solitude is a deep and powerful teacher and I try to cultivate it, encourage it, look forward to it. To say that I am a very good example of immersing myself in deep silence would be wrong: I have never been able to sit in meditation very well, and I haven’t sat in an ashram. I did, however, sit quietly in the Mojave desert, fasting for 5 days and 4 nights in my own personal vision quest (see earlier post “I Needed Time”) and it was an extraordinary experience. I will do this again.
I have spent much of my life mired in silence because I could not find my voice. To draw enough air into my lungs to speak required an energy and force I just did not have; hence the quiet. In this thick, black emptiness, alone in the deep, I listened to the echo of my ache and heard myself for maybe the first time. I emerged from the prison of silence to the choice of solitude, two very different things. The first was a cave, the second a garden. Yet both were quiet.
Now I am writing these posts and placing them “out there” for others to read, and I have to ask myself why. I want to think that this is a creative endeavour, that this is one of my “art forms”. What I surely want to avoid is the pit of “preaching”, trying to sound as if I have figured things out and shout out “hey guys, follow me”. I break out into a sweat and a dead run when I hear freshly-squeezed dogma, and I would die to look over my shoulder as I am running and see that I am in a pack of preachers.
I hope that this blog reflects that I am sharing something of myself that I think may have value. To whom? Maybe men like me. Maybe others. (This same thought could be attributed to the preachers I have written about, so I am already on shaky ground). If I stray over the line, maybe someone will let me know, or maybe I will call myself out.
So, is this sharing or preaching?