Tag Archives: abuse

Alterations 2.0

Altered states of consciousness have helped me to alter my perspective, my perceptions. 

Why have I been so driven to alter my way of perceiving this experience of life? Not sure but likely because I felt suffering so close at hand all the time. Suffering has been the fuel. 


All of this so I can suffer less? Or maybe I just needed to know the reasons, both personal and ontological, behind suffering. Understanding of suffering?

In recent years I have come to see that being in denial of “what is” guarantees that I will suffer. I see the sense of this statement. 

Imagine my surprise when I caught a glimpse of a very personal “what is” during an ayahuasca ceremony, that I was suffering because I was denying that I had suffered during my childhood. 

Doubly strange. Suffering because I wouldn’t allow that I had suffered. 

My denial was complete. I had buried everything so deep, for so long, so effectively that all that remained on the surface was a hollowed out man. 

This blog entry, this very one, is an attempt to alter my perception of my situation further, again. In writing it, I am trying to determine why I think I need to continue, to determine why I think I am not done yet. 

Uncovering the premise that I am suffering because I have not accepted that I suffered in my childhood is quite astonishing. 

Considering why I search has become more important than considering what it is I am searching for. 

I didn’t see this coming. 

Denial two levels deep.