Altered states of consciousness have helped me to alter my perspective, my perceptions.
Why have I been so driven to alter my way of perceiving this experience of life? Not sure but likely because I felt suffering so close at hand all the time. Suffering has been the fuel.
All of this so I can suffer less? Or maybe I just needed to know the reasons, both personal and ontological, behind suffering. Understanding of suffering?
In recent years I have come to see that being in denial of “what is” guarantees that I will suffer. I see the sense of this statement.
Imagine my surprise when I caught a glimpse of a very personal “what is” during an ayahuasca ceremony, that I was suffering because I was denying that I had suffered during my childhood.
Doubly strange. Suffering because I wouldn’t allow that I had suffered.
My denial was complete. I had buried everything so deep, for so long, so effectively that all that remained on the surface was a hollowed out man.
This blog entry, this very one, is an attempt to alter my perception of my situation further, again. In writing it, I am trying to determine why I think I need to continue, to determine why I think I am not done yet.
Uncovering the premise that I am suffering because I have not accepted that I suffered in my childhood is quite astonishing.
Considering why I search has become more important than considering what it is I am searching for.
I didn’t see this coming.
Denial two levels deep.