Childhood trauma complicated my relationship with the existential questions.
In fact, they were sequestered to the sidelines, for to ask them would have brought on a deeper level of dread and I was in over my head as it was. Much later in life I found the missing questions in the self-help aisle and recognized them. The ontological inquiries were familiar and I spent a great deal of time tracking both questions and answers. Still do.
Little did I know that these discussions were the on-ramp to even bigger questions and even more disturbing discussions. My desire to know, I now understand, was and continues to be primal. I was migrating towards home and I didn’t even know it.
The experiences that I value above all others are about exploration and revelation. My instinct to explore consciousness is all-pervasive and I can only assume that this is so because of the traumas and the neglect, that these experiences alienated me from self-knowing so deeply that I had to find my way home. I could not pretend that I knew what the hell was going on …. I didn’t.
When I speak of revelation I mean disclosure, a coming upon new information. Revelation has led me to many truths and they have often been very difficult. It is my experience that to be in the presence of a revelation is to be simultaneously in the presence of the death of something being displaced.
This largely explains my past 4 years working with entheogens and psychedelics. I have explored and revealed the traumas held deep in my cells, ghost-like energies now returning to be known and released, known and released.
Pain has been a big part of this voyage. I had resisted feeling the deep anger and hurt and betrayal because I didn’t want to really remember just how ridiculous my childhood had been. Yet with the help of friends and healers and various medicines I have been fortunate enough to understand that I must engage fully with the grief so that it may pass.
There is more for me to do. Thankfully I now trust.