A 2nd Life

I have held back from writing in this blog for quite a while now largely because I did not feel that the writing was doing anything for anybody else and always had me looking backwards in time and that was not a profitable thing for my spirit.

 

There are many warnings for us to not get caught up in our stories and I took that warning seriously because I felt if I was telling my story it had a hold of me again

This was one of the reason that I held off

Of course it is true for all of us but it’s hard to be objective for this and understand the price we pay for keeping the same old narrative going on and on I could tell that I was not moving forward I was thinking and speaking the same things over and over again

So,  On the first day of work in the year 2018 I arrived at the office with no idea that I was going to quit my job that day I put in nine months notice and decided to go on the road for 3 to 5 Months  trip to the desert of California I love being in those deserts and sometimes sleeping out under the stars for four days and four nights fasting and inviting God into my life for a little bit.

Spend that time in total silence and face all of the demons and the stories and the anchors in my life with no distractions just myself and god

I wanted to come clean and get ready for the days that my death would provide soon.

Truly I really did see this as a preparation for my death and I could leave this world knowing that I had faced myself and everything that my life had become.

There was nothing in my life that I considered sacred and this visit to the desert was as close as I could come

The meaning less-ness of my life had ground me down everything felt dishonest and incomplete

and not fulfilling at all

Yet it appears thatGod has other plans and without getting into too many details when I was only three hours away from my destinations on day 10 of my trip. I had a stroke!

So  I have spent the last nine months in recovery and in rehabilitation.

Instead of fasting in the desert in the peace and quiet under the desert sky I spent nine weeks in a noisy hospital working on my rehabilitation day by day

Since my release of from the hospital I have been continuing to heal well living at my son and daughter-in-law‘s house and I am actually doing very well considering.

Yet the retrospection and the introspection that I expected to happen in the desert has since happened here at home

I have so much to say about how rich of an experience this has been to be ground down by a stroke and immobilized to the point that I had no option but to continue in introspection without the use of my body  as I normally would have.

the work continues, my body continues to improve and I should be able to be driving by the end of the year.

I was called back to this blog because somebody had left a comment on a post that I put on line 3 years ago and it was the conversation with I had with that person that brought me to understand why I wrote something three years ago and her commentary to me about her place in life re-invigorated me to continue to write

One of the most important things that I have done During these quiet months is to read the Upanishads and they have brought me alive and have helped to give me some guidance My day-to-day life has become sacred in a way that I would’ve never expected.

I will continue to write here, mainly to help me to process how I want to continue to live this life

An additional note:

There are have been no shortage of people who have been full of advice and judgment of me and my process, even one friend decided to throw all of his judgement at me, while in recovery from a stroke NO LESS……  he felt I should be lectured for being caught up in my story and boring him… Shall he or any others want to throw “I told you so” remarks at me, just drop it.. Many people that have to heal from childhood trauma each will carve out their own path in their own time as their strength grows. And these so-called armchair experts on other people’s difficult lives, should just gently approach and ask what you can do for them OR,    JUST GET OUT YOUR CAR KEYS AND GENTLY DRIVE AWAY